Miss Snark has a great post, Internminable, about how to move from a free position to a paid position. Scroll down to:
1. Shows up on time and on schedule.
For you gentlemen, change “8. Wears shoes. Wears underwear. Wears clothes that cover the stomach. All at the same time.” to be something like: Wears underwear that I can’t see. Wears pants that I don’t have to worry about falling down.