While I'm an extrovert (words just come out of my mouth sometimes), I'm not always comfortable speaking with people I don't yet know. However, I want to make a real connection with other people. It doesn't matter if I'm writing, speaking, or networking. I still want that real connection.
I use stories and examples to make connections when I write or speak (from the stage). But the small talk? The little entry into a human-to-human connection? That requires a different approach. Not closed questions, such as “where do you work,” or “what do you do.” Those are fine after you build the connection. But to create the initial connection?
That requires open-ended questions. And the three what questions can help because they are open-ended and invite a conversation.
Open-Ended Questions Invite That Initial Connection
I hate ice-breakers because so many of them ask the participants to share something that's not particularly relevant to the context. That might be the location or the circumstances.
I really don't want to share “Two Truths and a Lie” in a work context. And don't get me started on games that have no relationship to the context. Those feel fake to me and a waste of time.
I want to get on with the work! (Yes, I am geeky, but I am not alone in this feeling.)
Instead, we can use the three what questions to invite connection and start the work. These questions are:
- What?
- So What?
- Now What?
Here's how they work for a real-time conversation.
Real-Time Conversations
Imagine I'm networking at a meetup. I have no ulterior motive—I just want to meet people. (This is good when you are looking for a job, referrals for consulting, or when you're the speaker and you want to have some “friends” at the front of the room.)
I use these questions:
- What: “What brought you here?”
- So What: “What do you hope to gain from being here?” (This is about people's expectations for what they will learn or experience.)
- Now What? “What will you do once you learn that?” Sometimes, this is best at the end, where I might ask the other person, “Based on this, what will you do?”
This is terrific for any kind of a work context. But I modify these questions for social events where I don't know anyone and am a little nervous.
Here's how I used this a couple of years ago at a wedding. I was pretty sure no one even knew about software/product development. So I had to be human. (Insert groan here.)
I had this conversation with a lovely woman:
I asked, “Which side of the family are you with?” (The bride's. A closed question, but established the very tiny start of a human connection.)
I smiled and said, “They seem like such lovely people. How many other events have you celebrated with them?” This is the “what brought you here” question. (She started to regale me with parties, luncheons, and more. We had a great conversation.)
When it was time for dinner (an hour late), I asked, “Given how late dinner is, do you expect the wedding to start on time?” She put her hand on my arm, and said, “Sweetie. I love these people. Nothing—nothing!—ever starts on time with these people. Eat a snack first.”
We both laughed.
The next day, at the wedding, she came up to me and said, “Did you have a snack?”
I had initiated our conversation, and she followed up.
These questions also work when you write or speak.
How the What Questions Work When We Write or Speak
People read our writing or listen to our talks because they have problems. The three whats can help us, as writers and speakers, connect with our audiences' problems and outcomes.
- What: refers to the problems that this piece addresses for your ideal readers or audience.
- So What: The impact of these problems on those people. (The impact of solving those problems.)
- Now What: What people can do once they use your advice.
(I wrote more about the impact in Free Your Inner Nonfiction Writer, Successful Independent Consulting, and Effective Public Speaking.)
The more we consider the three whats when we speak, the easier it is to craft a conference proposal that works and design a useful presentation.
The three what questions help us keep our audience's needs in mind. That's how we create human connections.
Invite Human Connections
I happen to be a shy extrovert when I'm not with “my” people (people involved in technology). Too often, that means I say something I shouldn't. Or, I sit there, wondering how to start a conversation.
But the three what questions: What, So What, Now What, offer me a “recipe” to invite people to a connection with me. That connection works when I'm in real-time with them, one-on-one, or when they read my work, or when they hear me speak. That's because I want to know about them—their issues, their concerns. And when I invite them to connect with me, we choose how deep a connection we want.
So, stop those ridiculous icebreakers. Instead, consider asking people to pair and share their what, and so what at the start. Then, end with a now what. Make the context relevant to everyone involved.